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France Travel Advisory
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France, has been compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the
U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for the American traveler
only, and its accuracy is not guaranteed.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe and is for all intents and purposes, useless (although it still envisions itself as an
important member of the world community). It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and other smaller nations of no particular consequence. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is seldom
used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for the American visitor is that natives persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at
repeatedly, or if money is shown.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, think they are over sexed and have no concept of standing
patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined... and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly
guess it from their behavior. Many are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition. French women and don't shave their armpits or their legs and definitely don't use deodorants.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at
once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to surrender and flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages, and still reminisces about returning to those times of grandeur. Other important historical figures in French circles
are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle (who was President for many years and is now an airport). The French are not great warriors, and in fact have had their butts kicked
in by just about every country in the world. They would rather drink their wine, eat their slugs (opps... snails), and collect their welfare checks.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a runoff. For administrative purposes, the
country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly,
they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and
acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie you would want to
watch, unless of course, you wished to laugh at their nude scenes containing women with hairy armpits. As far as reading is concerned, nothing is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is
impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring
your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's, which is surprising since Germans hardly ever work. If the French are not spending four hours dawdling
over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles,
champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it and it
weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.
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